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Sunday, October 24, 2010

It's a slippery slope...

Every once in a while, my mind wanders into some dangerous territory and I allow myself to dwell on certain questions that haunt me...

"Will kids pick on Zach as he gets older because of his health condition?"
"Will he 'fit in' when he is a teenager?"
"Will he be physically able to participate in PE?"
"Will he be physically able to play on a sports team when he is older?"
"Will he have to have more surgery?"
"What will Zach's life be like as an adult with CHD?"
"Will he be sickly?"
"Will he be able to work or will he have to go on disabilty?"

Once I allow them into my mind, these questions won't leave me alone. They peck around inside my head and bring me down. When I allow myself to ponder these things... when I open that door just a crack, more negative thoughts and more questions force their way in. I find that once I start thinking, I cannot stop. The negative thoughts take root in my mind and grow like an aggressive vine, wrapping chutes around every positive thought... smothering... choking. These thoughts lead down a very dark path.

These are the things I must turn to when my mind gets carried away.

Truth is what I need to dwell on when I start down that slippery slope. Truth uproots that deadly vine. Truth shines light into dark places. The Truth is that Zach has done incredibly well in his 4 1/2 years despite his medical diagnosis. There is no reason to believe that he won't be able to do whatever he sets his mind to. 
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

Faith forces me to change my focus from these worldly troubles and "turn my eyes upon Jesus." Jesus is Zach's Great Physician. Jesus is Sovereign. Jesus has a plan for Zach's life and will equip him and us to live it to the fullest. If we have Faith.
"He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Matthew 8:26

Hope keeps out those negative thoughts and searing questions. Hope allows us to dream big for our Little Heart. Hope reminds us that awareness and advocacy lead to research and research leads to improved healthcare for CHDers and improved healthcare leads to a better life.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Truth, Faith, and Hope cause me to turn from the negative and seek the positive... to turn from what the devil would have me focus on to the abundant life that Jesus intends. For Zach's sake.

What helps you fight off the questions that haunt you?


  1. I love this, Pam. You are so right...we have to have truth, faith, and hope to get through the negative "what ifs" that seem to take over. I find myself getting lost in the "what ifs" often. I allow myself to be sad about my worries and then I try not to dwell anymore on what could happen because I do not know what is in store for my sweet Field. I have to have trust in Him that He has a plan for my boy and my faith and hope allow me to let go of the what ifs and enjoy today. That's all we really have anyway - today. Enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow and trust that God is with us through it all. :)

  2. I am not alone!?

    I have these exact questions...and they come to mind far more than I'd like to admit. All I can do when I get into that funk is pray that God will take those negative feelings away. I can't fight the devil without God. He's the only one who can keep me out of the gutter.

    Like Zach, Derrick has done very well. Sometimes, I wonder if that's why the questions haunt me. It's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, which I know is absurd. The devil works his way into those tiny cracks in my faith, which is something I sure need to work on!

    Thanks for sharing your're not alone!

    Praying for Zach and all of your family always!

  3. I would always be willing to talk to you when you feel yourself on a slippery slope ... just like every childhood is different so is every CHD Childhood ... I was teased a lot and sometimes even at 28 years old when I get in a fight with someone (verbal of course) and they aren't a CHDer it's brought up or "used against" me ... I worked for 11 years and my immune system not CHD is what made me go on disability ... honestly I don't mind it ... I have tons of hobbies now that I would never have gotten the chance to have otherwise plus knowing I will most likely not be as sick and be more heart healthy makes it all worth it ... I always did PE (I had teachers who let me call the shots if I was tired or exhausted I got to sit down without repercussion ... now that doesn't always make the other kids like you ... which is where my teasing started) ... but honestly Zach will do fine ... in this day and age compared to the late 80's and early 90's kids with disabilities are a lot more accepted than they were ... he'll amaze you with his strength and ability to bounce back and roll with the punches ... but I would be willing to talk to you anytime by email :)

  4. Pam,
    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST!! I feel this way many many days and I find myself gripped with fear and I have to fight it or it becomes who I am. I am so glad, that like Shannon said, we are not alone, we have each other. I am so glad I was able to pull up your blog. I have not been able to access your blog. I am not sure why. I wanted to also say what a BLESSING it was for me to meet you and your beautiful children at the heart walk. Zach is such a cutie pie and I think our girls really hit it off. It's good to know that we will walk into the unknown together with our eyes wide open and looking up and knowing our Father in Heaven already has a PLAN!! Much LOVE!! Rhonda :)

  5. Pam,
    This is beautifully written and will speak to many people. These negative thoughts about our lives and the lives of our children are usually just left unspoken and when someone is brave enough to address them, we are all better for it.

  6. Beautifully written post. I think all these same things about AG. When these thoughts overwhelm me I just pray, pray, pray.

    Love you,
    Tina B

  7. like your unplugged posts! :) heart stuff is what i tho't would consume my days, but it turned out to be deafness instead! :) can't believe how much more overwhelming retrocochlear deafness has been in my life than 4 serious chd's combined. its a bit surreal reading yours and other blogs here... ;O nice to hook up with another adoptive mom of a chd'er! :)


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