Cutest Blog on the Block

Showing posts with label CHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CHD. Show all posts

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Summer... almost!

The kids are out of school now! I am so looking forward to a schedule that is not packed so our family can enjoy spending time together.


I have to work on Tuesday :( and then we head to the beach! My side of the family is going to Nags Head this year --- there will be about 30 people there at various times throughout the week. It's always a blast --- crazy, but a blast!

Last Monday afternoon, Zach started running a fever. Once we got his fever down, he acted fine. Tuesday, he stayed home with Daddy and he ran no fever so we thought he was ok until 5pm when it started again. I took a look at his throat, which looked like he had 2 red-hot fireballs (you know the hot candies?) stuck back there. When I saw that, Zach did tell me that "his tongue hurt". The child hardly ever complains! I declare that he does not feel pain the way other children do, with all that he's been through. Anyway, I took him in on Wed. mornint and the dr. said his throat looked "impressive" but the strep test came back negative. She decided to treat him with an antibiotic anyway because the strep test is only about 90% accurate. He seems to be back to his old self again and was able to finish out the week at school.

So now, as a reward for taking such good care of Zach, I am the one suffering with a sore throat and now a "like-a-faucet-runny-nose" and sneezing. UUUGGGHHH! I woke up at 5:30am and could not go back to sleep. I kept trying to sneeze but could never get it out. My eyes are watering and watering. Please pray with me that everyone else can stay healthy for our beach trip.

Also, I have a couple of other prayer requests... Our neighbors, Jo and Al, have a new grandbaby. They knew something was not right all during the pregnancy but the possible diagnosis changed with each doctor's visit. He was born on Thursday, and they know he will have surgery sometime because his esophagus and stomach do not meet. I do not even know his name yet, but you can pray for Carter and Amy, his mom and dad. Many of you with heart babies know how they are feeling right now.

Also, please pray for Emma and her family, who go to church with my mom. I think Emma has the same heart defect as Zach and she had surgery on Thursday. I do not know any other details yet but will update when I know more.

Hope you have a blessed Memorial Day Weekend! We have so much to be thankful for in our country and we owe so much to those that made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and those who are serving us at this moment. Remember them this weekend!

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Funky Heart

Steve Catoe, aka The Funky Heart. A heart warrior. A hero in our CHD community. An inspiration to moms and dads of Cardiac Kids. A blogger who researched and shared important information about this disease we are all fighting. A devoted advocate in the fight against CHDs.

Steve passed away last night. I don't know any details. I just know that we will all miss Steve so much.

Please pray for his family during this difficult time.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

It's a slippery slope...

Every once in a while, my mind wanders into some dangerous territory and I allow myself to dwell on certain questions that haunt me...

"Will kids pick on Zach as he gets older because of his health condition?"
"Will he 'fit in' when he is a teenager?"
"Will he be physically able to participate in PE?"
"Will he be physically able to play on a sports team when he is older?"
"Will he have to have more surgery?"
"What will Zach's life be like as an adult with CHD?"
"Will he be sickly?"
"Will he be able to work or will he have to go on disabilty?"

Once I allow them into my mind, these questions won't leave me alone. They peck around inside my head and bring me down. When I allow myself to ponder these things... when I open that door just a crack, more negative thoughts and more questions force their way in. I find that once I start thinking, I cannot stop. The negative thoughts take root in my mind and grow like an aggressive vine, wrapping chutes around every positive thought... smothering... choking. These thoughts lead down a very dark path.


These are the things I must turn to when my mind gets carried away.

Truth is what I need to dwell on when I start down that slippery slope. Truth uproots that deadly vine. Truth shines light into dark places. The Truth is that Zach has done incredibly well in his 4 1/2 years despite his medical diagnosis. There is no reason to believe that he won't be able to do whatever he sets his mind to. 
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

Faith forces me to change my focus from these worldly troubles and "turn my eyes upon Jesus." Jesus is Zach's Great Physician. Jesus is Sovereign. Jesus has a plan for Zach's life and will equip him and us to live it to the fullest. If we have Faith.
"He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Matthew 8:26


Hope keeps out those negative thoughts and searing questions. Hope allows us to dream big for our Little Heart. Hope reminds us that awareness and advocacy lead to research and research leads to improved healthcare for CHDers and improved healthcare leads to a better life.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

 
Truth, Faith, and Hope cause me to turn from the negative and seek the positive... to turn from what the devil would have me focus on to the abundant life that Jesus intends. For Zach's sake.

What helps you fight off the questions that haunt you?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Prayers needed...

What a privilege it is to pray for our fellow heart families...

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. James 5:15

Two more cardiac kids are going to make their appearance very soon.  That means that two more families will jump onto this CHD rollercoaster. Two more families will be turned upside down, twisting and turning, going up and down, just wishing they could stop it all. We veteran heart families have two more chances to lift up prayer for those who will feel overwhelmed as we once did.

The first, Mason, who was diagnosed en utero with Tetrology of Fallot (TOF), was actually due Saturday. Mason's mom will be going to the OB Monday. They could possibly decide to induce, although she does not want that. Please pray for discernment for her doctors as they decide what will be best for him, for a smooth delivery, and for Mason to be stable.

I heard about this second family during an interview on the radio. A member of the Christian group Sanctus Real is about to have his third child, Bowen, who was diagnosed en utero with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). Bowen is due to come in the next couple of weeks I think.

Also, please pray for us as Zach goes back to the cardiologist on Tuesday morning. He will have a chest x-ray to make sure there is no accumulation of fluid left over from surgery. The doctor will let us know if Zach can begin to eat fatty foods again. Zach will be soooooo happy to go get some Chick-Fil-A nuggets! We are also praying that Zach will get rid of the cough that he has had since last week.

Thank you prayer warriors!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Every Heart Has a Story...

Today my good friend and fellow heart mom, Stef, shown below, is hosting a linking blogging thingy. Not sure what to call it, but it is a great way for heart families to connect and share their heart journeys. It is also a great way to spread awareness of the #1 birth defect in our country - Congenital Heart Defects.

Every Heart Has a Story


Every heart is different but one thing's for sure... Every heart has a story! For us, we were "adopted" into this world of CHD's.


Just to catch you up, we began the process of adopting Zach about 2 months before he was born. We took his birth mother, Nora, to several doctors appointments, but never knew that there was a problem with his heart. Rewind to April 29, 2006...


Our family a few hours after Zach's birth --- before we knew there was a problem...

Click here to visit and read the rest of this earlier post telling Zach's heart story...


Now, in August of 2010, I am proud to announce that we are post-Fontan and Zach is doing great! He is an amazing boy who is full of life and smiles for everyone he meets. He has started preschool and is learning new things every day. We are blessed.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

New member of the cardiac kid club...

Please lift up some big prayers for the newest member of the cardiac kid club --- baby Joshua, born yesterday with HLHS. He and his family have just hopped on this rollercoaster that we veterans know so well. Right now, he is stable and they are praising God for all the little victories. Check out how he's doing at http://fierceandfiesty.blogspot.com/.

I will post about our first day of school soon... hopefully before mid-semester!

Friday, January 29, 2010

A new normal?

We have had a concern with Zach lately. When he is playing, he often seems like he is out of breath. His breathing just doesn't seem to match up to his level of activity anymore. He can just walk through the house and he is breathing more heavily than before. We visited the pediatrician to make sure he didn't have anything going on from when he was sick with walking pneumonia back in December --- his oxygen sats were right where they usually are in the mid 80's. Then I talked to his cardiologist. I described what is happening and asked if he was breaking out in a cold sweat or if he was panicky. I am not seeing either of those things. He said this may just be Zach's new "normal" until his next surgery. He said some children will self-limit and some will just push themselves. Zach has always played hard --- every moment of every day. He is a wild man. I guess he is just outgrowing his current capacity. Just a reminder that he is not normal. Anyone else seeing this trend with your cardiac kid?

Like the Energizer Bunny!


We go back to the cardiologist Feb. 5 for a checkup. I'm not sure if he will do another echo or not, but I do know he is interested in his weight.

So, MUSC finally called to schedule Zach's heart cath. It will be on Apr. 6. We will go down the night before. Last time he had a cath done (at 8 months old, before the Glenn), we stayed that night with some friends of ours in Charleston and I'm glad we did because Zach did not do well. He was crying and crying and crying, so I fed him a bottle, which he threw up later that evening. We were so afraid that he had aspirated. The friend that we were staying with actually works at MUSC. She listened to his lungs and reassured us that he was fine. I'm not sure if he was just in pain or what, but at least this time he will be able to talk to us and hopefully give us a clue about pain, hunger, etc... I still don't like the idea of taking off and driving home 4 hours with a freshly operated on cranky child. So, we might just have to find a way to stay over the night after the cath, too. Just to settle this mama's nerves. Sigh...

From the heart cath, they will be able to formulate a plan of action for the Fontan. We know it will be sometime this summer. It just depends on his weight. Last week at the pediatrician he was 31.2 lbs, so I figure he will hit the 33lb mark in 2-3 months. He has not been eating as well lately, so I am just waiting for his next growth spurt to kick in.

We appreciate your prayers for our little wild man and his heart!

Heart hugs,
Pam

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Zach's CHD journey

I have yet to officially document Zach's CHD journey. One day, he will be able to sit still long enough to contemplate all that he has been through, so I wanted to write out his story...

Just to catch you up, we began the process of adopting Zach about 2 months before he was born. We took his birth mother, Nora, to several doctors appointments, but never knew that there was a problem with his heart. Rewind to April 29, 2006...


Our family a few hours after Zach's birth --- before we knew there was a problem...

At the small county hospital where they took Nora and Zach after she delivered him at home (not on purpose! Read this post.), Nora signed the papers the night he was born surrendering her parental rights. The next morning, we talked to the doctor about circumcision. He said he would have to determine if they could even do it that day with only the weekend crew on hand. They decided to do it after all, so I decided to get my shower while they took him down the hall for the short procedure. Long after my hair was dried and my makeup on, they still had not brought him back to us.

After about 1.5 hours, the doctor returned with a grave look on his face. I remember the next few minutes as if they happened in slow motion. He sat down and said that they found a problem with Zach's heart. His blood oxygen levels were low (a testimony for the need for pulse oximetry on newborns!) and so they took him to their small NICU. They did an echo and said there appeared to be a problem with his aorta, but that they were not equipped to handle such issues. They had contacted doctors at the Medical College of Georgia in Augusta and were preparing him for transport there since it was only about an hour's drive from where we were.

Our daughter, Rebecca, 8 years old at the time, had spent the night with some friends that lived in town. When they arrived with her that morning, we had to tell her that she couldn't see Zach and that we needed to take him to another hospital. She cried so pitifully. I know she had to have been so scared. She had prayed for years for a baby brother or sister and I can only imagine how her little heart was breaking. Fortunately, Nana Cherryl and Papa DR had arrived and were there to take Rebecca home with them. They were a godsend during the next week as they did everything they could to help her have a "normal" week.

They allowed Bill and I to go back and see Zach in the NICU before they transported him. They had him on the respirator in case he should crash during the trip and he was so miserable. He was fully awake and fighting that tube for all he was worth. I imagine that they could not give him anything to calm him down without knowing if he could tolerate it. Poor Nana Cherryl had to see him for the first time that way! I remember standing there, feeling so helpless, not knowing what to do for our little boy.

Finally, they were ready to take him but we were not allowed to travel with him or even follow the ambulance. We jumped in our van for the hour-long trip to Augusta. We had no idea what we were driving into. Or even if our baby would be alive when we got there. We tried to talk but we didn't know what to say and neither of us wanted to discuss the possibilities. I remember leaning my head on the cool window watching the countryside go by and trying desperately to make sense of what was happening.

When we arrived at MCG, we checked in and dealt with the confusion of this Hispanic baby with no name except Baby ____ (Nora's last name, which I won't reveal here). I know that when our biological daughter, Rebecca, was born, we filled out the birth certificate not long afterward and signed it as her parents. Well, all that was complicated by the circumstances --- the adoption and the medical emergency --- I don't even know if a birth certificate existed at that point, and if it did, it surely did not have our names on it. We showed copies of the papers that Nora had signed and eventually got our lawyer to fax us some papers that provided proof that we were, in fact, in the process of adopting this little patient.

The next hours and days were filled with tests and enough medical terminology to make our heads spin. As we tried to ask the doctors and nurses questions, we found ourselves using words like "thingy" and "whatchamacallit". They would smile and give us the correct technical term before answering our questions. One question we had was if our little boy stood a chance of having a normal life. Our daughter, Rebecca, had just gotten a Slip 'n Slide, so that was her question --- would Zach be able Slip 'n Slide with her in the back yard? They assured us that it was their goal for Zach to be able to run and play like any other child --- and be able to Slip 'n Slide with his big sister. I think they hit the nail on the head...

They had to allow for Zach's newborn body to go through all the changes that newborns normally go through before they could get a definitive diagnosis. After several days and several echos, they determined that Zach has 3 defects. One of his defects is Transposition of the Great Arteries. The aorta and pulmonary artery are switched and enter the heart at opposite points from where they should; that is why the doctor at the small hospital thought there was a problem with the aorta. The problem they actually saw, Zach's second defect, was a partial blockage or stenosis of the pulmonary valve. This stenosis meant that Zach was not getting enough blood to his lungs to be reoxygenated. Zach's third and most serious defect is called single ventricle. Whereas the normal heart has 4 chambers, Zach essentially only has 3 chambers. His right ventricle is there but undeveloped and inoperative. His left ventricle is responsible for pumping blood to the lungs and the body, so it is doing double duty. There is a really good explanation of this type of defect here.


Eventually, they determined that Zach was stable enough and that his oxygen saturation levels were good enough, in the mid 80's, for him to go home and grow. He was eating, but boy was that hard work for his little body. I never realized how much of a workout it is for a baby to drink a bottle! All the sucking and swallowing and breathing... for a heart baby, it is just about too much! Nonetheless, we took him home, though we were scared to death.

I took him for his first followup appointment back in Augusta 2 weeks later. Bill was not able to go, so I took Nana Cherryl with me, thank goodness. Zach had been eating pretty well and he seemed to be doing well. The pulse oximeter told a different story. 65. Yikes. I guess because of Zach's dark skin, we couldn't tell that he was so cyanotic. The doctor said it was time to schedule his first surgery and sent us home. If we were scared to take him home with sats in the 80's you can imagine how I felt that day taking him home at 65. Oh, mercy!

We returned to Augusta early the next week for pre-op and the BT Shunt on May 23, 2006. It was so hard to hand him over to the nurse. Of course, he didn't know one set of arms from the other. He just slept on. It was even harder to see him after he came out of surgery. He was so swollen and with all the tubes and wires and IV's... It about broke my heart.

The doctor that did his surgery went in under Zach's right arm. I always thought was a good thing because the scar would be hidden. Then I realized that he would need 2 more surgeries through the chest. Oh, well. Battle scars.

Over the next few days, he improved and was eventually moved out onto the floor. He continued to have stridor, or wheezing when he breathed or sucked the bottle. They said his vocal cords were probably traumatized during in- and/or ex-tubation and that it should get better, but it continued. So, they did a swallow study and determined that he had reflux. He was not a spitter, but everything he ate was coming up and sitting there around his vocal cords, keeping them irritated. They prescribed Zantac for the reflux, lasix for fluid, and baby aspirin and sent us home.

We followed up at Augusta after surgery, but found that the long drive was impractical with such a little baby, so we arranged to see a local pediatric cardiologist. We fell in love with Dr. Raunikar! He is a wonderful Christian doctor. He was fully willing to work with the doctors from MCG to coordinate Zach's care, but we eventually felt led to check out MUSC in Charleston, SC. It is about twice as far to go, but their program is so much bigger and more specialized. They also network with Dr. Raunikar's group. Zach's surgeon, Dr. Bradley is tops in the field and we owe him so much.

We made the switch to MUSC and Zach had a heart cath in December 2006 and Glenn surgery there in January 2007. I have to say that it was even harder than the first time to hand Zach over to the nurse on the morning of his surgery. Unlike when he was only 3 weeks old, he had developed a personality and a smile that could light up a room. We knew what it felt like to have his little arms around our necks and feel his super-wet kisses on our cheeks. It didn't help that he clung to us and cried.

So now, we await the next surgery, the Fontan. Currently, Zach is right at 31 lbs. I am waiting for his next big growth spurt. Dr. Raunikar says he should be big enough by this summer. We expect to have a cath done in April that will help the doctors determine a good timeline.
Looking back, I marvel at the hand of God on Zach's life. God led Nora to put him up for adoption. If Nora had kept him, who knows what would have happened? She probably would not have had him circumcised, so I don't know if they would have found the problem before releasing them to go home. 45 minutes away from any hospital. Nora or her mother unable to drive. Swaddling his body in layer upon layer of thick blankets, as is their custom. If they had found the problem and sent him to Augusta, how would Nora have gotten there? How would she have navigated the language barrier? Where would she have stayed and who would have paid for it? Would she have lost her job as she stayed by her baby's side? How would she have gotten him the care that he needed? I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had a plan...

As I watch Zach play every day, I remember our little baby in the NICU, fighting for his life. As he does all the typical boy stuff --- wild and rough and tumble and sometimes violent --- I remember that we stood around that little bassinette wondering what type of life this little one would have. When I get irritated at his contant rambling (too often, I admit), I remember watching him struggle against a tube in his throat after surgery, unable to make a sound. I praise God for giving us the privilege of being Zach's parents. The hurdles that he has overcome are a testimony to God's strong and merciful hand on his life and we feel blessed to have experienced it with Zach. He is our little Superhero!


This is how we see Zach nowadays... as a blur!


Monday, January 18, 2010

Dental health and cardiac kids

Zach had his bi-annual visit to the dentist today. This is the second time we have visited this particular dentist. We started out at the pediatric dentist that Rebecca had always gone to, but he was not able to monitor Zach like our cardiologist wanted when using sedation or laughing gas, so we are going to one in Greenville --- close to the Hospital and the cardiologists. Plus, Dr. Jen will provide the monitoring if needed.

Dr. Jen and her staff are wonderful! Their office is a fun place to be (that is until they want to start doing stuff to you, right, Zach?). I documented today's visit in the hopes of helping Zach become more comfortable with the whole process.

Dental health is very important for our little cardiac kids. I found some information in and article on kidshealth.org:
If Your Child Has a Heart Defect: "... the riskiest thing to do is to ignore dental health, which may allow teeth to develop cavities and gums to become infected. Along with taking antibiotics correctly, it's important for children with heart defects to take good care of their teeth by brushing and flossing properly. Your child should begin visiting a dentist as early as possible, and those visits should be as frequent as the dentist recommends"

Furthermore, the American Heart Association provides the following recommendations about preventing endocarditis (an infection in the heart's inner lining or valves) in conjunction with dental work:
Congenital Cardiovascular Defects: "Endocarditis: The American Heart Association has recently changed its guidelines for prevention of endocarditis. Some children who used to take antibiotics before going to the dentist no longer have to do so.
The AHA now recommends these routine antibiotics before dental visits for patients who are at the highest risk for adverse outcomes if they develop endocarditis. This includes:
1. People with a prosthetic cardiac valve
2. People who have previously had endocarditis
3. People with certain types of congenital heart defects, including
a. Unrepaired cyanotic congenital heart defects, including palliative shunts and conduits
b. Completely repaired congenital heart defects with prosthetic material or device, whether placed by surgery or by catheter intervention, during the first six months after the procedure (prophylaxis is recommended for first six months because endothelialization of prosthetic material occurs within six months after the procedure)
c. Repaired congenital heart defect with residual defects at the site or adjacent to the site of a prosthetic patch or prosthetic device (which inhibit endothelialization)
4. Cardiac transplantation recipients who develop heart valve dysfunction
Except for the conditions listed above, antibiotic prophylaxis is no longer recommended for any other form of congenital heart disease.
Good dental hygiene can help lower the risk of endocarditis. For more information about dental hygiene and preventing endocarditis, ask your pediatric cardiologist."




So, Zach happily ("Mmmmm --- bubblegum flavor!) took his dose of Amoxicillin one hour before his appointment time. The entire office is decorated like a jungle, with murals on the walls, animal footprints on the floor and even on the ceiling, and a neat play area off of the waiting room. There is a cave with a TV and an upstairs loft area with a huge chalkboard. Zach loved it!














At home, we still use training toothpaste, so Mrs. Kaye just put a tiny bit of real toothpaste on his new toothbrush. I brushed Zach's teeth and tried to get him to spit out the toothpaste. He is so funny! He has the action of spitting down pat, except nothing comes out. I'm not really sure I want him to learn how to spit!














They also have this really cool play area back in the examination area. As you can see, Zach enjoyed himself in there, too. You notice how willing he was so far to show off all his teeth?


So, we met Mrs. Karen for the first time and she and Zach had a great time playing with all of her tools. She showed him Mr. Thirsty, her vacuum. I was a little worried that Zach would freak out about that, because at home, he is scared of the vacuum cleaner. He was fine with Mr. Thirsty because he doesn't make near as much noise.















Mr. Thirsty eagerly sucked up the water that she squirted on the chair! Zach thought that was cool.















She had some "sungackes" for Zach to wear so her flashlight wouldn't shine in his eyes. He tried them on but decided that they were not his style.















Then, Mrs. Karen showed him Mr. Tickle. He got to squeeze it and feel how it spins around and around. Mr Tickle tickled his finger!
Mrs. Karen said that Zach could choose what flavor he wanted Mr. Tickle to tickle on his teeth: grape, chocolate, bubblegum, and raspberry. I thought for sure he would go for the bubblegum, but he chose chocolate. A boy after my own heart!















Zach even let Mr. Tickle polish up a few of his teeth! We were so proud! Then things started to go downhill...















"I want to go ova deh!!!" To the play area. Who could blame him?
Eventually, they moved him into the "quiet room" so he wouldn't disturb the other little boy who was laying bravely on the next chair, waiting to get his teeth cleaned.
















I chose to omit the pictures of us holding him down so she could clean the rest of his teeth. He let Mommy floss his teeth then. Dr. Jen came in to see him, but he was ready to go by that time. We held him down again so she could take a look, check a couple of teeth, and paint on this fluoride stuff.
Not the way I hoped it would happen, but it's all for his own good. We heart parents are used to watching (and forcing) our children to endure lots of stuff that we would rather they didn't have to go through. But we do it because we love them!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Zach's adoption story - Part 1

One day, I was sitting at my computer, typing away on some paper for grad school, stressed to the hilt, when my wonderful husband, Bill, came home from work and said, "There might be a baby for us to adopt!" I promptly told him that he had lost his mind and went back to my paper. I was working under a looming due date. Little did I know, so was God...


You see, Bill and I had been blessed 8 years earlier in 1998 with a beautiful, bouncing baby girl. When Rebecca was about 18 months old, we began to try for a second child. God had given us a promise from His word before Rebecca was conceived: (emphasis added by me)



Ps 127 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com:

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon.
1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to [a] those he loves.
3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate."


As far as we could tell, our quiver was not yet full. We thought we would conceive quickly like we did with Rebecca. Our plans were not God's plans. I obsessed over trying to conceive, taking my temperature every morning and standing on my head. I had surgery in 2001 to remove an ovarian cyst and the doctor found endometriosis. We tried Lupron shots to get rid of the endo, but the side effects were worse than the endo. Finally, in 2003, we were thrilled to find out that we were expecting, only to have that dream come crashing down in the form of a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We were crushed and my faith was at an all-time low. When I was finally able to give up my dream of having another baby, I found some peace. Letting go and letting God is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

To be continued...